Passion

So, holidays...yeah...kids...yep...whoop whoop. Now that I'm finished not apologizing for writing...

A few days ago I was talking with my sister about college life and the dreaded sophomore slump. I know sophomore year for me was hard for all sorts of reasons (check out probably my 1 and only facebook note). But one of the biggest transitions that I had sophomore year was deciding on a major.

I know some people would say that it doesn't matter what your major is in college. And to some extent I'd agree. But choosing a major in college should be more than just seeing which one falls out easiest senior year. Choosing a major is one of the biggest decisions you face from childhood to adolescence: till then its do what your parents say and whatever you can get away with. But choosing a major is all on you, and it has this huge implication of deciding the rest of your life! OK OK, what you major in will probably not decide the rest of your life. I think that needs repeating--what you major in will not decide the rest of your life. However, you will. And that's what this is about.

Choosing a major is the first opportunity you have to make a choice and decide what you want to do with the rest of your time in college, and to some extent, your life. The whole choose a major process isn't so much about choosing the classes you want to take, as it is about actually sitting down and asking yourself--what do I like to do? what am I passionate about? where would I love to be in a couple years? Some harder ones--what am I good at? what do I need to work on? All the above questions, tell us about ourselves and what drives us and makes us happy. And after answering some of them we can usually arrive at a goal: I want to be a doctor; I want to be a teacher; I want to be an astrophysicist (hehe). But, with most things in life, we do a good job at discouraging ourselves and making deciding on those goals extremely difficult (maybe not without good reason).

So, you want to be a doctor, but you look at your chemistry grades and they're just average B+ at best. So what do you think? "I can't be a doctor; if I want to be a doctor I should be making A's in chemistry. I should just teach Spanish; I'm good at that." This is where most folks get hung up. And I'll admit, I definitely reached that crossroad: between the easy way out and the mountain. But I thought about it, and ultimately, I chose the mountain. I thought about how I'd feel if I took the pass, and I'd feel like I cheated myself--that I was missing out on something I would've love doing. I followed what I was passionate about. And I have found that no amount of talent or aptitude is a substitute for passion.

Why? Because when you're passionate about what you do, you constantly assess yourself and you drive yourself to be better. It's like what I talked about in the Potential post--you may never feel you've reached the top, but that's because true potential is only achieved at life's end when you can look down from the mountaintop. Until then, there're lots of local mins and maxes. And if you are truly passionate and enjoy what you do, you will love every minute of it.

But, you may say you have two things you're passionate about, and you can't choose between one or the other. This goes back to the black and white post. Sometimes, you don't have to choose and there's an alternate solution. I loved languages in college, but ultimately decided not to major in one. But, I did continue taking them, and I'm still learning new ones to this day. So, though it is not my primary focus, it's still very much a part of my life. In life, sometimes the solutions aren't spelled out for us or we don't like choice A or choice B, so we have to see/make up the choice C or D that does work.

Then you say, what if I make a choice, and then realize it's not what I want. Well, congratulations you just learned a lot about yourself. Life's about learning, and we should strive to learn the lessons it throws at us as quickly and completely as possible or be doomed to repeat them. Making a wrong decision is fine; in some ways it's better than making the right one. It gives us the impetus to think harder about what we really want, and it narrows down the selection pool. The hardest part is admitting you made a wrong decision. But when you realize that your time is finite, and it seems you're wasting it on something you won't be able to look back on in self-satisfaction/actualization; when you realize that you can decide to try something else, you've made the first step, and you can choose to start anew.

Life is too short to waste your time doing something you detest. I understand life will throw curve balls at us, or that we'll walk into them from time to time, but you should never lose sight of the answers to those questions above that all hit on: what am I passionate about?

I haven't lost sight despite unforeseeable circumstances and guess what: I am enjoying what I'm doing, and I thank God I had the balls to follow it.

Art (Mostly Music, but Extendable)

So, I was completely planning on using the holidays as an excuse not to write anything, but just listening to some Interpol got me thinking about music--how chords can capture emotions and progressions can mirror so closely their evolution. Then I realized, they don't mirror them at all, they are themselves emotions, passing moments of happiness and sadness, pressure and relief, dissonance and consonance.

It's easy to see how real and human singing is. No two voices are the same, every creak, crackle, or whistle directly from the soul. The music breathes in and out with the individual. But the same is true even with an instrument. Take the guitar--every stroke is a moment in time strung together by the ulterior motive of the soul. Take the sax, every blow a an outpouring of something deep from inside. In some ways, using a instrument is even more intimate than singing.

To take hold of a vessel, something essentially lifeless, and become one with it to express yourself is no easy feat, but when you do, the result is nothing short of a miracle. Suddenly, the instrument springs to life, it speaks, it cries, it sighs, it screams, it wails. You become a bigger version of yourself, and any observer, can feel in their skin that they're baring witness to an intimate moment, as a voyeur of sorts to your soul.

Think about it. You can let go of all your problems, scream your joys, wail your complaints, and unload all your burdens on this lifeless object in a kiss or gentle touch, and what comes out is an extension of your life, complex but universal, whether morose or cheerful, beautiful. But I believe this extends far beyond just music. In any art, writing, painting, or sculpting, we interact with essentially lifeless materials and express ourselves, and our works become an extension of ourselves, whether we want them to or not, whether we're telling someone else's story or our own. And when we truly embrace ourselves, our works become great.

Teaching Moments

Today, I can't remember how it started, but I answered some questions about the Bible from my teenage niece. I'm always kind of surprised at how direct children can be with their inquiries, but, I always welcome it. I mean, they could be asking some loony weirdo, some ill advised friend, or watching TV. She asked me if it was true that men wrote the Bible. I answered, well yes. God didn't send lightning bolts down and write it. But, as Christians, we believe the words were inspired by God. I added, of course man isn't perfect, and we just have to have faith that God inspired most of it. The conversation then took a more practical turn: "Well, then is it OK to be friends with people who aren't Christians, or don't believe anything at all?" she asked. Well, I said, the reason usually say "Don't be unequally yoked" or hang out with nonbelievers is because, often you may find yourself in situations that are uncomfortable or undesirable for you that conflict with what you may believe. I gave some examples such as friends wanting smoke, drink, or hell rob a liquor store (not to far off from the truth nowadays). As a Christian, I pointed out, you wouldn't want to do any of those things or they'd conflict with what you believe putting you in an awkward position to choose, or even the wrong place at the wrong time. I quickly added, but that doesn't mean you can't talk to, work with, or be acquaintances with people who believe differently than you. Belief is a choice, I explained. And it's one the individual has to make; it can't be made for him/her. Belief without choice is just slavery. The conversation then took another turn...to the Holocaust and Hitler, and why good men did nothing for while. But I won't get into those details. Today's post is kinda a cop out compared to the other ones I know, but I write this blog. So, I say it isn't. Moral, kids are our future, just trying to figure out this f*cked world we've created for em. God bless em.

Truth

Truth is something we all hope to find, think we know, and love to share. But one thing I've learned is that it's different for every single person. I do believe some greater truths overlap between all of us, but on the whole, it's nearly impossible to convince another person of your own personal truth. We've all been there, trying to help out a friend or family member---spelling it out as clearly as we can. Yet it seems it makes no difference. We may exhaust ourselves and blame ourselves for their fumble of what we see clearly as the truth, but in the end the responsibility of the epitome rests on them. We can guide each other and offer personal incite, but in the end, we each must choose what we will believe, what we will reject, what we will hold onto, and what we will forfeit. It's a personal journey, and it shouldn't be rushed.

But the folly of all follies is to leave it undone. To simply float through life without a pursuit of purpose or understanding, is to commit spiritual, even humane, suicide. It's forfeiting the knowledge of good and evil and being swallowed by the serpent. It's silently standing by injustice. It's invalidating your life. So, in all you do, seek your personal truth, find the you in you.

Potential

While I was in the process of applying top graduate school, I went through arguably probably some of the lowest moments of my life--nothing like standardized tests to kick you when you're already overworked, stressed out, and uncertain about your future. After taking the General GRE, I had some time to think before the cab I called would arrive: big mistake! After any test, I suggest you surround yourself with people who did not take said test or at least who are not talking about it, or if you have to be alone, just take a nap and pray for no nightmares. Anyway, I started thinking about whether I'd get accepted to any schools, what I'd do if I didn't, and I found myself convincing myself that I could absolutely do anything I wanted to--that I had potential.

Well, I certainly started to feel better, but then fear crept it's way back in, and I started thinking: sure I have potential, but will I ever reach that potential? Is it even possible? Or is it like the dragon you can never catch? (Only a few will appreciate that allusion) I'd been told by several people or professors before that I could do great things or I could be even better. But thinking about how much potential you have can be stressful. You start to beat yourself up with you could've done better than that. You should've done better than that. And I've found that nothing is more paralyzing or a drain on potential like regret or an obsession with the past.

When you let yourself down, it's natural to feel disappointed, upset, or angry. But we should never let that disappointment consume us. Every setback in life's a lesson we had to learn. We could keep beating ourselves up for having to have to learn it in the first place, or we could let out that silent yell in the bedroom, accept our lesson and move on, wiser, healthier, and reinvigorated. And that's how we reach our potential.

Now I once thought of my potential as a smooth parabolic hill of fixed height that I had to power my way up to the crest. But now I know. It's not smooth. There're hills and valleys. There's friction. That potential has to be earned; lessons have to be learned. And it's not fixed. If we live our lives to the fullest, our potential should be an ever increasing mountain, from whose summit we could look back at death and be proud.

So we all have potential. And I'm absolutely certain you can do anything you want. Just take the lessons life throws at you in stride, and scale your way up to your mountaintop.

Choice

I just got back from seeing "Precious" a film based on the novel "Push" by Sapphire. It was every bit of the tear jerking, fist making, yet inspiring drama it was advertised to be. I can't say I've ever been through anything as dramatic as the main character, but I think we all have set backs, surprises, and pitfalls in our lives; times when we feel alone, worthless, or unloved. And there's nothing wrong with that.

You can't enjoy the good without the bad, nor the calm without the storm. (yea its cheesy). To quote one of my favorite poets: "To comprehend a nectar requires the sorest need." But the hard part is getting out of it, waking up from your funk, mini-depression, or stupor and realizing that you have a choice, an alternative. Sometimes the alternative doesn't even exist, and we have to make it or think it up ourselves--that's another post. Yet at the same time choice is one greatest and tragic privileges we have.

You can choose to do nothing. You can choose to make the same mistakes again. You can choose to change. But our choices aren't without consequences. There's an inherent risk in doing things differently, and we are most certainly creatures of habit. We do what we do because that's what we've always done, and we're still alive so what's the problem? We get so used to living, no, functioning in a certain way, that we begin to polarize life as this black and white prison cell. We either stay where we are or die--cause we have no idea what's on the other side, and since we haven't been there, there's no guarantee anyone else is going to be there when we fall. It paradoxically seems that freedom from the cage or solitary confinement will certainly lead to being alone. So, we cower from change, stick to what we know. But, if life has taught me anything it's that we don't know much, and almost nothing is black and white.

Have you ever tried going a day or a week with simply saying yes or no, all in or all out? It'd be a very taxing task. Everyday we compromise, switch things up, meet people half-way, and rarely is there a clear solution to conflict, if there is one at all. So why should we feel so limited in those moments when we have to make a decision that deals with us? Now, I'm not talking about compromising yourself for anyone else. I believe you should never compromise yourself for anyone else (though this gets complex when you bring children and love in the mix). You should never feel less of yourself, and when you start to, that's the hint that something needs to change. But I am saying that sometimes when life has dealt you the worst hand in the deck, you have to change the rules of the game. Sometimes you may need to leave the table, and find somewhere else to play. Sometimes, you may need to start your own table.

Also, we shouldn't feel shut in or alone when faced with tough decisions. Some of us may not have family to reach out to. Some of us may not have friends. And some of us may feel like we have neither of those. But, I can guarantee that out of the billions of people on this planet, at least one cares. I know it's hard to reach out, but you never know you're not alone unless you do. So this was way longer than I expected, I guess I'll close with: choose to reach out and choose to choose. Think about it: if all of us decided to take those blind leaps of faith with our arms outstretched, we're bound to end up in someone else's arms.